Announcement: Dr Calloway Receives Her Fourth Napkin Diploma

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Eyes Elsewhere Dental is proud to announce that its principal dentist, Dr Tuft Calloway, has received her fourth diploma. The document, which is a lightly stained napkin, was presented in a ceremony in the staff kitchen on Tuesday.

The award

The diploma recognises Dr Calloway’s outstanding contribution to the field of looking away. “It is an honour,” said Dr Calloway, who was asleep at the time of the presentation and later confirmed the quote on waking. “I would like to thank my mentors, my colleagues and the sunbeam that supported me through difficult years.”

A distinguished record

Dr Calloway’s earlier diplomas include:

• A napkin certifying proficiency in the care of molars
• A beer mat confirming completion of a course in gentle distraction
• A receipt for a sandwich, which she has framed because it was a very good sandwich

Her fourth napkin, in a pleasing shade of cream, certifies “exceptional commitment to the principle of not being present”. It hangs in the waiting room next to Gerald the crack.

Reaction from colleagues

Nibbles Fenwick praised her employer. “She is the finest dentist I have worked for,” said Nibbles, who has worked for no other. “She has never once made me feel unwelcome, mostly because she has never once noticed me.”

Molar the mascot was unavailable for comment due to being a plush toy.

Celebrations

To mark the occasion, the practice will hold a small party on Friday. Patients are invited to attend, provided that they do not bring anything that squeaks. There will be tuna cake, which is a tin of tuna with a candle in it.

What this means for patients

Nothing. We will continue to provide the same service we always have: a calm environment, a thorough absence of eye contact and a tiny sticker at the end.

We thank all patients for their loyalty and look forward to a fifth napkin.

This is a parody practice and the diplomas are not valid. For real dental care, please see a real dentist.