What Happens at Your First Appointment: A Gentle Walkthrough

Many new patients are nervous before their first visit, so we have prepared this overview. As always, none of it is real dental advice, and any real dental questions should go to a real dentist with real qualifications and a real chair.

Stage one: arrival

You will be greeted by Nibbles Fenwick, who will look past your left shoulder and say “Yes?” in a tone of weary curiosity. Please state your name and the name of your appointment. If you cannot remember either, simply sit down. This is also acceptable.

Stage two: the form

You will be asked to complete a medical history form. The form has four questions:

• Do you have teeth?
• If so, how many do you believe you have?
• Are you currently chewing anything?
• Do you like birds?

The last question is not medically relevant, but Dr Calloway enjoys the answers.

Stage three: the chair

The dentist will invite you into the treatment room by looking at the corridor. Once you are seated, the chair will tilt backward, giving you an excellent view of the ceiling. Please keep your eyes on the ceiling. If your eyes wander towards the dentist, you will be gently redirected by a feather on a stick.

Stage four: the examination

This is the part where the dentist inspects your mouth. In accordance with our motto, she will do this while looking at a spot roughly forty centimetres above your head. She will say things like “Mm”, “Interesting” and “Is that a spider?” She will then make notes on a napkin.

Patients are often surprised at how quickly the examination goes. This is because the dentist has typically lost interest by the third tooth.

Stage five: the conclusion

After the examination, Dr Calloway will announce her findings. These are usually of the form “Everything looks fine, as far as I can tell”. She will then recommend that you brush your teeth, which you already know, and that you avoid sugar, which you do not.

Stage six: payment

Payment is accepted in treats, naps or a short anecdote about a bird. You will be given a sticker. The sticker has a picture of Molar the tooth, who is waving.

We hope this has made you feel more at ease. Please arrive ten minutes early, which is to say an hour late.